i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I want a musical about memes.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
