can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
