we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
