M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
