You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
