she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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