I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
