1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
