This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
