Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
