Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
