Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
