It's Friday. Sex?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
