I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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