just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
