Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
