please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
