seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
