One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
