U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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