Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
