Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Houston, we have a blender
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
