It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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