I skipped work to stalk him.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
