im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
