At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
