Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
