I love black thongs
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
