Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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