your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
