just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
