Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
