I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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