using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
