I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
