Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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