i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
