Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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