Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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