Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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