Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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