gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
