I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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