I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
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