I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
