Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
