Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
