I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
