Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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