LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
