Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
i out mim tonsoeep
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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