I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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