I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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